10 Gifts That Will Totally DTR

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I think we can all agree there’s enough bullsh*t going on in the world right now that we could all use an extra dose of L-O-V-E these days. So this Valentine’s Day, instead of stressing about what present to get your new boo or the better half of your old married couple, we’re taking the guesswork out of gifting. Pick your place on our timeline of love and, no matter how long you’ve been together, we’ll help you find the perfect gift to define the relationship and score major points with the object of your affection.


1. Together for… 10 minutes.

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Pump the breaks there, friend. If you’re buying that babe you just locked eyes with anything more than a cup of coffee (or possibly an alcoholic beverage) at this point, I implore you to seriously rethink your dating habits. For your love life’s sake and your wallet’s.


2. Together for… 3 dates.

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Witty and charming is what we’re aiming for here. You’re not trying to make a big statement, you’re just trying to land a 4th date; so buy them a beer, slip it into this koozie, and cross your fingers that you get a laugh.


3. Together for… 2 weeks.

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I’ll be honest, 2 weeks is tricky. You’ve had some pretty good dates, maybe a couple of sleepovers, but you definitely don’t know their middle name and still have to ask how they take their coffee in the morning. It’s the gift that says, “I have totally realistic expectations about where this may or may not be going, but I kinda dig you and I WANT TO BELIEVE that you dig me, too.”


4. Together for… 1 month.

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Congratulations—you learned their middle name! Not to mention, you are crushing HARD at this point. You’re, like, totally ready to exchange lettermans jackets and be each other’s numba one hunnies. Nothing like some feminist goods to say, “I may not be able to keep my hands off you but DAMMIT I respect you. Let’s see where this thing goes…”


5. Together for… 3 months.

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Dis sh*t is electric. The passion is REAL. You’re pretty sure no one in the world has felt this way. EVER. Hell, maybe no one in the world even exists except you and your boo. In case you weren’t aware, sweatpants are pretty much code for let’s cuddle for 3 days straight and not get out of bed til work on Monday.


6. Together for… 6 months.

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My personal rule of thumb: never buy a person underwear unless (a) they are currently keeping some in a drawer at your house, or (b) at some point their underwear has co-mingled with your underwear in the same load of laundry. By 6 months you should be good to go.


7. Together for… 1 year.

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You’re in love, you smitten kitten. Nothing like putting the proverbial ring on it to signify your commitment. Plus it’s something they’ll have forever, just like…. you. (Hopefully.)


8. Together for… 5 years.

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At 5 years you’ve entered the “Choose Your Own Adventure” portion of the relationship.

OPTION A – Wait wuuuuttt??? SURPRISE (imagine I’m throwing confetti at you right now) THERE’S A BABY ON THE WAY!!! (Are you really that shocked, though? Any time something starts with two people sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G, you can pretty much guess the direction it’s heading.)

OPTION B – Perhaps you have chosen a diaper free existence or perhaps the diaper free existence chose you. Either way, please return to step 7 and feel free to bump it up a $ or $$.


9. Together for… 10 years.

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To the untrained eye it’s just a nice suit and tie, but to you it says, “turn off that Netflix honey, call the sitter, and leave your PJs at home, cuz I’m taking my baby out on the town!” Get dressed up, treat yourself to a nice dinner, and celebrate the fact that you made it a f*cking decade with another human being.


10. Together for… a lifetime.

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This is the big one, people… This is the love of your life, your soulmate if you will. The person who has stuck beside you through thick and thin, through all the ups and downs. So go ahead and buy YOU whatever the hell you want… you’ve earned it 😉


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