Swimming and volleyball are great and all, but isn’t it time we expand our definition of esteem worthy activities? Who’s to say running 100M in under 10 seconds deserves more appreciation than, say, baking a batch of really delicious cupcakes? Why is lifting 476 lbs. more impressive than being able to relay the entire plot of a feature film using only Emojis? Well, no more! Here at Wildfang, we’d like to take a few moments to pay our respects to the medal-worthy achievements that have been so sadly overlooked.
1. BEER PONG
We know you went semi-pro in college, so it’s high time your skills were given the recognition they deserve. You’ve perfected the bounce shot, your accuracy is so on point you seldom need a re-rack, and the NBA Jam rule was created with you in mind. Though the house rules may change, your natural prowess cannot be denied.
2. BREAK DANCING
With the dexterity of a gymnast and the grace of an ice skater, behold: the break dancer. We’ll probably have to get Ralph Lauren to design you a custom track suit, but it’s only a matter of time before you’re pop-n-locking your way to that podium. In the meantime, enjoy this video of a young Vin Diesel training for ’80s greatness.
To swipe or not to swipe—that is the question. Some say it’s a numbers game and some say it’s about quality over quantity; whatever your strategy, it takes an experienced Tinderer to navigate through the endless number of coffee loving hiking enthusiasts, past the array of shirtless mirror selfies, and around the duck face bend to arrive at their final destination: true love (at least for the night).
4. EXTREME POGO-ING
Who knew this was even a thing, but HOLY HELL is it f*cking awesome. In the hands of the right person, what was once, perhaps, the most useless, un-fun toy of your childhood suddenly becomes the instrument of a true artist. If you can be a professional trampoline-er, it stands to reason that pogo-ing isn’t far behind—better dust off those cobwebs and start practicing!
5. PIZZA EATING
Hats off to the person who first melted cheese on top of some saucy dough and created the masterpiece we call pizza. If you’ve ever sat at home on a Saturday night, queued up your Netflix, and eaten an entire pie on your own, you know that sh*t ain’t easy. Fun? Yes. But 8 large slices of cheesy carb-laden goodness can wreak some serious havoc on one’s digestive tract. Nevertheless, to win a medal in pizza eating would certainly be the culmination of everything we’ve been working toward since we first sprouted molars.
6. FACE SWAP
Sure, we’ve all had a good laugh at the casual face-swap with our BFF, but there are some swaps that could rival even the greatest facial exchange (which I’m pretty sure we can all agree is John Travolta and Nicolas Cage in Face Off). You and your beby? Priceless. You and your cat? Spectacular. You and your ginger breadman? The gold-standard of face swapage. We are humbled in the presence of your greatness.
The artistry! The flair! The general humiliation of it all! If you’re up there on stage phoning it in with some pedestrian “I Will Survive” bullsh*t (no disrespect to Ms. Gaynor) you’ll never reach anything more than amateur status. A true champion crooner knows it takes practice, stamina, and a dash of theatrics to win the hearts and minds of the intoxicated masses.
Perhaps the most undervalued skill on this list, it takes a truly self-aware human to be a gold-medal co-worker. In all honesty, this is one of those pursuits in which the things you don’t do are almost more important than the things you do do. General rule of thumb—DON’T: heat up leftover fish in the shared microwave, take the last cup of coffee without making more, come to the office when you’re sick, or leave passive aggressive post-its about cleaning up the break area. DO: bring in some damn baked goods once in awhile!
God only knows why mini-golf was a sport invented for kids because it certainly requires a certain amount of patience and finesse that only comes with the matur-i-tay of age. I mean, a windmill? A clown that spits your ball back? A freakin’ rock quarry? I’m not fooled by those brightly colored balls and the sounds of happy families—I know ruthless competition when I see it.
10. GENERAL FLAWLESSNESS
Not much to say here… We will certainly never stop trying, but pretty sure this medal will go to Beyonce every time.